


I've Been Compromised.

by DeathTrapDaisy



Category: Avengers 2012
Genre: Angst, Cuddling, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, May contain triggers, OC is an asshole, OOC Phil, Past Rape, Protective!Steve, WTF, about a paragraph of humor, i should be more disturbed by this, self hatred, this is sad, virgin!steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-23
Updated: 2013-07-23
Packaged: 2017-12-20 23:10:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/892991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeathTrapDaisy/pseuds/DeathTrapDaisy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anger, sadness, confusion, fear, numbness, self-blame, helplessness and shame are a few things Phil never wanted Steve to feel, like he had.<br/>His first time was selfish, demanding, unwanted and forced. Phil would do anything to keep Steve as innocent as the day he woke up in Shield, even if that means protecting him from himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I've Been Compromised.

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t want to give too much away but be careful reading this it may contain some triggers if you have been sexually abused, I am sorry if that is you and do understand I’m not taking the matter lightly. Ye have been warned.

Phil woke up in a cold sweat, the nightmares had been at bay for a few years but recently since Steve moved in with him they had come back stronger and darker than ever. He stared at the ceiling feeling a heavy arm draped over his stomach and the light snoring of Steve beside him with his nose pressed against his shoulder. Phil was gasping for air and tried to get himself together, he was relieved to know he hadn’t woken him; he didn’t want him to worry. He wiped his sweating brow and took in a few more deep breaths to calm down, Steve stirred quietly nudging a little closer unconsciously before his eyes opened slowly and he turned to look at Phil.

“You okay, babe?” Steve grumbled tiredly he felt his chest rising and falling with deep breaths and his heart pounding loudly against his ribs, moving up to kiss Phil on the chin still half asleep.

“Yeah, go back to sleep.” Phil said softly effectively hiding his emotions as his hand rose up to pet Steve softly on his head, Steve hummed happily to the affection Phil normally wasn’t very physically affectionate towards him. Only on rare occasions like tonight and some other days when they just needed to feel each other breathing, naturally Steve is a very affectionate person but understands that Phil needs his space sometimes. They still haven’t made love officially and have been dating for almost two years, Steve never wanted to push the agent but there had been a few times they got closer but Phil would always stop. He would feign exhaustion or say he just wasn’t in the mood, Steve was never very imprudent on the subject and wanted to give Phil the time he needed. He only wanted to know why he didn’t ever seem to want Steve sexually; sometimes he just felt that Phil wasn’t even attracted to him at all.

Steve moved up to prop himself up on an elbow and gaze down at the agent, one hand moving up to cup his face. Phil looked up and met his eyes, Steve smiled softly down at him and though it was two in the morning Steve was awake enough to admire the look of Phil’s hair mused from sleep, his eyes and tanned skin glowing under the moonlight that shown through the windows of their apartment high above New York city. At this height curtains weren’t really a necessity, Avengers Tower was definitely a better living space than one would think.

Steve dipped down and took Phil’s lips in a deep kiss shifting in the bed until his hips pressed against Phil’s thigh, he could feel Steve’s long hardness against him and gasped. His lips parted and Steve took full advantage pushing his tongue down his throat, Phil groaned loudly in response and his hands ran down Steve’s biceps to his sides.

“I’m not tired.” Steve said gruffly once he pulled back from the kiss rolling his hips to make sure he got his point across. Phil stared up at him wide-eyed, there wasn’t much way for him to get away this time around, Steve smiled and dipped down to kiss him again. Phil kissed him back eagerly and was playing with the thought that maybe he actually could be with Steve and it would be okay, he trusted him, he knew it wouldn’t be like the first time, it would be different, he loves Steve and Steve loves him.

Running his hands over the agent’s body as he plundered his mouth, Steve felt his arousal pooling hotly inside and so far Phil hadn’t told him to back off. Maybe he was actually getting somewhere with him.

Steve ran his hands down Phil’s arms gripping his wrists and pinning his hands above his head, he moaned and that was too much for Phil. He panicked and pulled his wrists free breaking the kiss and pushing at Steve’s chest.

“G-get off me! Move.” Phil gasped in a well-hidden panic, Steve moved back and hadn’t meant to make Phil feel trapped, he’d thought things were going quite well. Steve rolled over onto his side, Phil was visibly shaken and almost frantically climbed out of the bed and made a run for the connected bathroom locking himself in.

Steve stared at the door hurt, confused but overall concerned for his boyfriend.

“Phil, what’s wrong?” Steve asked and got out of bed to knock on the door lightly. “I-I didn’t mean to- I’m so sorry.” He groaned apologetically pressing his forehead against the closed locked door. Phil’s heart ached to hear him sound so rejected, he knew Steve must be worried as hell and he deserved an explanation. Phil had wanted to tell him about his past but every time he tried the words would get caught in his throat.

“I-I’m fine, go back to bed.” Phil said trying to sound a little more together than he felt as he sat on the bathroom floor curled in on himself trembling. Steve stood by the door for a few moments, his super soldier ears picking up the soft whimpers coming from the other side.

“Phil I want to see you, why wont you talk to me?” Steve asked sounding all kinds of defeated and Phil felt horrible about it, this was all his fault from the start. He shouldn’t have brought Steve into his dark twisted world.

“Just not feeling well, we’ll talk in the morning.” Phil sounded a little more convincing that time around, Steve sighed heavily still worried sick but knew when Phil got this way the best thing he could do is give him space.

 

OO

The next day was fairly normal, Phil acted like nothing unusual happened and Steve played along, he didn’t think it would be a good idea to push the issue. When they got into bed late that night after a long day of crime fighting Steve curled up against Phil’s back wrapping him in his arms. Phil’s entire body tensed and he elbowed Steve and pushed him back. He knew Phil didn’t like it when he did that but he wanted to hold the agent close tonight though he was facing the other way, he had nearly lost him again.

“You _know_ I _don’t_ like that.” Phil snipped over his shoulder but was trembling again and Steve never understood why he hated it so much, whenever Phil held him that way he felt safe, like he didn’t have to watch his back during the night, he just wanted to make Phil feel safe sometimes too. Every time he asked him why he hated it he would say _‘I just do.’_ and wouldn’t stick around for anymore prying.

“Okay, sorry.” Steve said softly but Phil just pulled his covers back over his shoulders not replying and curled into himself, Steve sighed sadly then rolled over so his back was facing the agent.

Phil already felt bad for snapping at him like he did, he knew in his mind it was foolish the way he felt but he just couldn’t help it, every time Steve tried to lay with him, hug him or anything else from behind it made his blood run cold. No matter how much he tried to fight it.

 

OO

Phil was already gone for work again when Steve woke up, it looked like he made him breakfast though before he left. Probably an apology meal, Steve ate his breakfast and made his way downstairs to the mutual living room finding Clint and Natasha they’re playing a game of chess. They did that sometimes to keep their brains sharp, he sat at the couch next to Clint and Natasha was seated on a couch across from them.

“Check.” Natasha said and smirked, Clint sighed in disappointment and threw his hands up defeated.

“Not again!” Clint grumbled in frustration Natasha chuckled across the board at him.

“Morning, Steve.” Natasha greeted softly noticing the way he was staring blankly at the wall, as if he was deep in thought.

“Earth to Steve.” Clint added and waved his hand in front of his face.

“Huh?” Steve replied dazed turning his attention to the duo that was staring at him. “What?”

“You okay? You kind of spaced out there.” Clint teased with an elbow to his side, Steve frowned and looked down to stare at his hands that were folded over his lap. “Steve?” Clint pressed and Steve sighed heavily.

“Can I ask you something, but you have to promise not to tell Phil.” Steve said adamantly as he looked between Natasha and Clint, Natasha nodded.

“About Coulson?” Clint asked and Steve nodded back. “Alright, shoot.” He added and turned back to the chess game moving a piece to get out of check.

“Well, last night he kind of- I don’t know, its like every time I try to get closer to him he pushes me away.” Steve sadly looked at the ground missing the fact that Natasha and Clint looked between each other knowingly.

“Do you mean emotionally or do you mean the other thing?” Natasha asked trying to soften the question.

“Not emotionally, I think we talk about pretty much everything- well everything except the other thing.” Steve shrugged with a light blush on his cheeks.

“Like, he doesn’t want you to fuck him?” Clint asked in confusion Steve’s eyes widened and Natasha sent him a look of disbelief.

“Clint!” She scolded and he shrugged.

“What? We’re all adults here.” he for once looked legitimately apologetic.

“Y-yeah..” Steve replied bashfully his cheeks blushing deeper.

“Steve,” She looked at the table for a moment as if trying to pick her words very carefully. “Phil has many secrets but there is one secret he holds very close to his chest, I can’t answer your question. Phil will have to do that when he’s ready.” Natasha explained soothingly and Steve nodded though her answer only peaked his curiosity more.

“I’m sorry bro.” Clint added to Natasha’s statement and shrugged apologetically.

“Its okay, I understand.” He replied in defeat, Natasha gave him a sad smile and took her turn on the game.

“So does that mean you have been dating for two years and have never done it?” Clint asked and Steve blushed again, just when his last one had finally left.

“Whoa, who hasn’t done it in two years?” Tony asked as he had heard the question as he made the corner into the living room.

“Steve and Phil.” Clint answered and Steve was now blushing up to his ears.

“Clint, _shush_.” Natasha declared adamantly.

“I thought we were supposed to not mention the _other_ thing?” he replied in confusion and Natasha rolled her eyes, he could really be an idiot when it came to people sometimes.

“What other thing?” Tony asked as he sat by Natasha and whistled at the game of chess on the table before stuffing a few blueberries in his mouth. “Damn bird-boy, you need to pull your head out.” Clint answered by throwing a seized rook at his face.

“Its none of your business, Tony.” Steve bristled and Tony put up a hand in surrender.

“Chillax, Cap. I don’t want to know whatever you and agent _don’t_ do in bed, ok. _Blueberry_?” he quipped teasingly as he offered Steve a blueberry though he shook his head in the negative. “I don’t really get why he wouldn’t want to tap that though, you’re damn fine.” Tony added and Steve gave him a look of slight confusion.

“I don’t get that reference.” Steve informed and Natasha was shaking her head as she watched Clint take his turn.

“You don’t want to know, trust me.” She said and took her turn putting Clint back in check. “Check mate.” She grinned in success and Clint stood up putting his hands up.

“I’m done, going to the range.” He declared in frustration as he made his way out of the room.

“Would you like me to come and beat you at that too?” She teased and he flipped her off as he left, she giggled. Steve and Tony both looked at her somewhat surprised that she had actually giggled. The things Clint could make that stone cold woman do.

They fell silent for a few moments as Natasha placed the game pieces back where they go.

“So, you and Phil haven’t fucked, what’re you a sexless prude?” Tony insensitively popping some more blueberries in his mouth, Steve frowned and was about to retort but his attention turned to look to his left where Tony was staring to see Phil standing there, his body in a tense line as he glared at Steve. Steve never liked being on the receiving end of that glare because he knew that when he was, he had a lot of making up to do.

“No we haven’t.” Phil answered blankly for him. “Steve isn’t a sexless prude, _I am_. He just doesn’t know when to keep things to himself.” Phil sounded calm and collected but Steve had been dating him long enough to know when he was furious and this was one of those times, Steve glanced down to stare at his shoes. “If you’ll excuse me.” He added coolly and turned to the elevator making a beeline for downstairs.

He didn’t want to be around Steve right now, what happens between them in their own room is between them and no one else, for Steve to tell Tony of all people. The Elevator doors were closing but stopped when Steve stuck his arm in the doors to keep them open.

“Phil wait, let me explain.” He begged as he pressed the agent against the back wall of the elevator a hand on each of his head against the wall behind him. Phil stared up at him and his boiling anger was replaced with timidity, Steve could do whatever he wanted to him right now and there was nothing he could do to stop him. His breaths came in short and he visibly shrunk into himself, he knew it was foolish to be afraid of him. Steve was as gentle as a lamb but it seemed no matter what he does his emotions take over his brain when he is put in these sorts of situations.

“I didn’t tell Tony, I asked Clint and Natasha about you and Tony walked in and only heard that we h-haven’t …been together yet.” Steve struggled through the sentence and Phil’s face went white, Natasha and Clint were the only two that knew and he wanted it to stay that way, surely they hadn’t told on him.

“What did they say?” he breathed uneasily and Steve noticed he was trembling, he had never seen Phil so scared. He pulled back slowly and never ever wanted to be the reason Phil looked like that.

“Natasha said you would have to tell me when you’re ready, nothing else. I promise.” Steve pressed softly and Phil nodded letting out a breath of relief his tense shoulders slumping down only a little. “I love you, you know I do. Are you ever going to tell me? I don’t know if our relationship will last like this.” Steve said softly but strongly and Phil ‘s brows furrowed, he very rarely showed any emotion but last night and today has been really pushing his limits.

“I-I don’t know, I want too.” Phil replied timidly and Steve sighed heavily before stepping closer to him again and cupping his face in his hands, he kissed him softly and the agent relaxed in his hands his trembling slowly subsided.

“All I wanted to do was hold you last night and you just pushed me away. I want to be there for you but I cant if I don’t know what you need.” Steve said softly and Phil nodded and wrapped his arms around Steve, he just wanted to be held. Steve pet his hair softly and kissed him on top of his head. “Please talk to me.” Steve begged against him and before Phil knew it he was nodding in agreement.

“Not here.” Phil whispered softly and pulled back, took his hand and hit the button for their floor. They needed to talk and it would seem it needed to be in private.

Steve lead Phil to their apartment silently taking his jacket and suit case from him once they were inside.

“Do you want some coffee?” Steve asked softly as he hung up the jacket on the coat hanger, Phil nodded silently his throat feeling dry as the realization of what he was about to tell Steve dawned on him completely.

Steve went into the kitchen to get him a mug knowing exactly how he likes it then came back to the living room where Phil was perched on the couch, Steve handed him his Captain America mug then moved to sit next to him. Phil put a hand out to stop him and Steve stilled himself then moved back to sit across the coffee table from him, Steve held onto his coffee tightly not even interested in drinking it as he waited intently for Phil to share his deepest secret.

Phil took a sip of the coffee and noticed his hands were shaking he forced himself to set it down so he wouldn’t drop it, he folded his hands in front of him and stared at the floor for a moment.

“Take your time.” Steve cooed and Phil let out a long breath. They sat in mutual silence for a few minutes the time clicking by on the clock on the wall, Steve was about to give up and go to their bedroom.

“I was fourteen when it happened.” Phil said softly and Steve paused sitting back down. “I was just like any comic book nerd, skinny, no friends, a-a virgin, an easy target. I was walking home one night when a car pulled up to me, one of my teachers was inside. Mr. Crawford, he taught science and I was one of his favorite students. It was raining so when he offered to take me home I didn’t say no, he was nice and he seemed to understand me and he liked to talk about comic books and Captain America we got along pretty well. So, when he invited me to his house to take a look at his collection I was more than happy too, he lead me into his bedroom. Before I knew it the door was locked and he was pushing me facedown onto the bed, I-I…” Phil choked on his words and his eyes faltered until he was staring at his hands, he couldn’t stand the look of sympathy on his boyfriends face.

“W-when he entered me I couldn’t believe it could hurt _so_ much, I tried to scream but no sound came out,” Tears began to sting his eyes but he remained staring at his hands. “The pain was nothing compared to the shame I felt, I felt completely violated and betrayed. I was ashamed that my body was reacting to it- I-I _didn’t_ like it, I _swear_ I didn’t but I couldn’t stop myself f-from, _God_ I was so disgusted with myself. I never told anyone but Natasha and Clint once when I was heavily medicated in the hospital. The bruises and broken ribs healed but the pain and anger I felt inside never did, it happened again and again for the next several months, I didn’t tell anyone. I’m still disgusted with myself to this day, I-I don’t know what’s wrong with me. _Everything_ about sex terrifies me.. Steve I-I didn’t know if I could ever be with anyone. Then you came, Captain America the only light I had in my teens and you loved me, you didn’t see a target or a disgusting skinny teenager. Steve I lost my last relationship because of this and I don’t want to lose you too. Y-you’re _all_  that I have.” Phil’s cheeks were stained with silent tears as he finished with his story, he wiped his eyes and couldn’t bare to look Steve in the eyes. He stayed staring at his hands when two much larger ones in trapped them and he shuddered letting out more tears with a sniffle.

Steve hadn’t run away, he hadn’t left disgusted by him. He stayed, he stayed, he stayed.

“Phil, I love you so much. I want to be with you.” Steve pressed softly then tilted Phil’s chin up with his knuckles very gently until their eyes met, Phil was surprised to see Steve’s eyes were just as teary as his own. “Please let me be there for you.” He begged and Phil nodded with a sad smile, Steve slowly moved to sit next to the agent on the couch and entrapped him in his arms letting him drop his head onto his shoulder and sob into his T-Shirt. For the first time in years Phil felt completely safe, he didn’t feel trapped in the tight embrace he felt sheltered, protected.

“He took that from me. _Took it_. I never wanted you to feel like I did..” Phil mumbled against his shoulder another tremble rolling through his body. “You’re young and pure, I don’t want to ruin you, I’ll only poison you. I want you to hold onto that innocence, even if that means keeping you from _myself_.” Phil cried harder and Steve pet his hair softly hushing him until he calmed back down to a reasonable state.

“Phil, you could never ruin me. You’re so sweet, kind and you love me so much, I can see it in you everyday.” Steve said softly sniffling and trying to stop his own tears, pulling Phil away enough to look him in the eyes.

“I want you more than anything but I cant be like him and take your virginity, you’re still young. You have your whole life ahead of you. I could never do to you what he did to me.” Phil replied adamantly holding Steve’s face in his hands, every word he had said was true, there had been so many times that his desires had been too much and he had to run away to keep from breaking that promise he had made to himself.

“That is exactly why I want to be with you, you know how important it is and you cherish it as much as I do. You’re not taking it from me, I want to give you everything.” he said softly and Phil had never thought of it like that, he always thought that he was a bad person and had somehow become like Mr. Crawford, only wanting to take what he desired. He thought there was something twisted inside him that made him want Steve so madly but it wasn’t twisted at all. It was the most pure form of love he had ever experienced in his life.

Phil hesitated a long moment before he carefully pressed forward and kissed Steve softly, Steve held him tightly in his arms and was surprised when Phil parted his lips and ran a tongue across his teeth. Steve gasped and opened up his mouth inviting the agent in, Steve moaned wantonly as his hands slipped lower on Phil’s back. Phil grasped his shoulders like a lifeline letting a small whimper escape his mouth, Steve pulled back and cupped the back of the agents head softly.

“I love you.” Steve whispered.

“I love you, too.” Phil breathed desperately and took Steve’s mouth in another heavy kiss. Sex had never been this way for him, loving, kind, pleasurable and generous. It had always been take, take, take, Steve pulled away.

“Let me replace your memories with us. _Please_.” Steve begged and Phil caught himself nodding before it really registered what Steve was asking but Steve was a grown man, he may be innocent but he was begging for it. This was nothing like what Phil had endured, Phil didn’t want what happened to him by any means, but by the way Steve had already pulled him from the couch by his tie before kissing him again deeply. Steve wanted nothing else.

Steve slowly undressed Phil once they were in the bedroom starting at his tie. Phil swallowed harshly but was beginning to relax and enjoy what he had been starving himself of for so long, he smiled up at Steve and was glad when he sent him one back.

Steve pulled his tie from his neck and let it land on the floor before turning to the buttons of his shirt, Phil shimmied out of the white shirt as it fell to the floor next to the tie.

Steve kissed him again as Phil ran his hands under Steve’s shirt and up his stomach feeling his perfect body underneath, Steve pulled back so he could pull his shirt off over his head. Phil licked his lips unintentionally.

“All this time, I thought you just weren’t attracted to me.” Steve admitted a little shyly when Phil’s eyes traveled his chest hungrily.

“ _Oh no_ , it was all I could do to keep my hands _off_ of you.” Phil replied breathily and Steve grinned.

“By all means.” He teased taking Phil’s hands and placing them on his chest dipping down to kiss him again and his hands ran bashfully over Phil’s back, Phil moaned in his mouth as his hands ran over Steve’s smooth body.

Steve pulled away to pull his pants off and was a lot less shy than Phil thought he would be. Steve pressed him back to lay on the bed gently and Phil panted up at him as he crawled up the bed to straddle him, rolling his hips into the agent that let out a quiet whimper.

“Take me.” Phil gasped and rolled his hips up in reply, Steve looked a little surprised thinking that Phil wouldn’t want to bottom after what he had just told him.

“I can take it, if you want.” Steve whispered back softly and Phil shook his head.

“No, I want to replace those memories. Remember?” Phil breathed back and Steve nodded, they didn’t have any supplies on hand and had to make due. “There’s some Vaseline in the bathroom.” He added after a moment and Steve nodded in understanding.

He got up from the bed and made his way over, Phil watched him go and blushed at the way he was ogling Steve’s bare ass. Phil gasped in air when he looked down and noticed his pants were tented this time when he saw it he didn’t feel ashamed, he took the opportunity to remove his pants and shoes while Steve was digging through the cabinets.

Steve came back with a little tub in his hand and his eyes wandered Phil’s naked body, blushing, maybe he should’ve left his pants on after all.

“We don’t have any.. condoms.” Steve said in embarrassment and licked his lips at the sight before him.

“I don’t mind if you don’t.” Phil whispered back and made mental note to get some, being safe with Steve is important to him but they had both been checked recently and came out clean.

“I don’t.” He whispered back and really just wanted to be with him, no matter. Steve crawled up his body to prop himself up with one hand. “You’re so strong.” Steve gasped aroused his hand running down Phil’s abdomen appraisingly. Phil snorted a laugh at Captain America calling _him_ strong.

“Me?” he teased and Steve gave him a lopsided grin.

“Yeah.” He said gruffly attacking his mouth with another kiss, Phil groaned when Steve’s long fingers wrapped around his length and teasingly stroked him as he nipped his bottom lip between his teeth. Steve chuckled playfully into him as he ran his thumb over the tip and had Phil arching his body up against him one hand tangled in his blonde hair, Phil moaned in the kiss but pushed him back gently.

“Steve, I doubt I’ll last long if you keep that up.” Phil gasped and Steve nodded, pulling away some to dip his fingers in the Vaseline, Phil faintly wondered how a virgin like him knew exactly what to do. “Jarvis might have helped me out, I was hoping we could do this on our one year anniversary.” Steve answered the unasked question Phil nodded his understanding.

“I had thought about it.” Phil gasped when Steve traced his entrance with one greasy finger, Phil clutched his arms and tried to relax. “Distracting me with conversation, _nice_.” He quipped and Steve chuckled.

“Did it work?” he asked gravelly his finger now pressing inside slowly, Phil’s head fell back and he spread his legs wider.

“Yeah.” He breathed and Steve dipped down to kiss him softly, his not busy hand moving up to brush through Phil’s soft hair as the other hand pressed in another finger, Phil relaxed around him.

Phil found himself rolling his hips up against those fingers impaling them unbelievably deep, he had long thick fingers and Phil was slowly losing his mind over them. He always knew they would be good use for something.

“Ung.. _deeper_.” Phil whispered desperately and Steve obliged, Phil keened when he hit that sweet spot deep inside.

“Are you okay?” Steve asked suddenly a slight panic crossing his face, Phil nodded swiftly as his eyes clamped shut.

“Oh I’m _transcendent_.” Phil groaned and Steve briefly had to think about the words meaning, his thoughts were shorting out with how beautiful Phil looked like this.

“God, you’re so beautiful.” Steve breathed moving down to kiss his jaw then neck.

“Take me, take me now Steve before I lose my gumption.” Phil gasped wrapping his legs around Steve’s waist and he really didn’t want too back out, he wanted this he knew he just needed to overcome his fear.

“Are you ready?” Steve asked softly as he carefully pulled his fingers free, Phil shuddered and nodded persistently. Steve greased himself up then aligned himself to enter him, he did it slow and carefully as Phil’s breaths came out in short puffs. He relaxed around him and urged him on with his heels to the middle of his back.

Steve gazed into Phil’s eyes longingly as he thrust slowly and carefully, he knew he wasn’t going to last long enough but he was glad they had come this far.

“I wont last long.” Steve gasped against Phil’s neck and Phil nodded.

“Its okay- just want you.” Phil said brokenly grasping at Steve’s back his mouth setting feather light kissed on Steve’s shoulder and collar bone.

“I-I’m gonna-“ Steve shuddered and wrapped his arms around and beneath the agent and held onto him, never wanting to let him go.

“Its okay.” Phil gasped and Steve tried to pull out so he wouldn’t come inside him.

“No, stay, stay, stay..” Phil gasped in his ear like a prayer tightening his legs around his waist, Steve stayed and came inside him sending Phil off on his own trip of bliss.

They both trembled in each others arms, Phil held Steve down with a death grip around his shoulders as he sobbed into his slick skin. Steve froze. He hoped he hadn’t done anything wrong, god he hoped Phil hadn’t just agreed to this so Steve would stay. He didn’t want that, he would stay with Phil no matter what.

“Shhh, Phil. Babe what’s wrong?” Steve asked desperately smothering him with kisses across his forehead and cheeks. “ _My love_.”

“Its-just, no one ever stayed before, no one ever…” Phil choked and pulled Steve in tighter pulling him into a deep kiss. Steve pulled away and cupped his face in his hands.

“I’ll always stay, I’ll never leave you.” Steve whispered and Phil nodded swiftly, Steve dipped down and kissed him again until Phil relaxed in his arms and it turned from frantic into languid kissing with tongues lazily sliding together.

Steve pulled away finally and carefully pulled out, Phil sighed and dropped his head back on the pillow his eyes slowly closed.

Steve kissed him once more on the jaw before he pulled away to get a warm washcloth from the bathroom.

“Be right back.” He said softly and Phil hummed in replied. He came back and wiped his boyfriend clean careful not to irritate the tender areas. Phil sighed contentedly, Steve threw it in the laundry hamper then came back to curl in bed with him. Steve wrapped him up in his arms and kissed him on the forehead.

“He took me from behind, that’s why I never let you hold me that way.” Phil admitted out of the blue and very quietly, Steve frowned and held him tighter kissing him again.

“He doesn’t matter anymore, all I want you to think about is you and me.” Steve said softly. “He can burn in hell and I’m damn near ready to send him there myself.” Steve added that last part a little harshly, Phil kissed his neck and collarbone.

“I want you to hold me like that.” Phil begged quietly against the warm skin of his neck, Steve pulled back a little to study his face.

“Are you sure?” Steve asked quietly and Phil nodded.

“Yes, _please_.” he begged softly and rolled over as Steve curled up behind him, their bodies curving together in one line. Steve kissed his neck and buried his chin between his jaw and shoulder.

“This is nice.” Steve said softly wrapping an arm around Phil until his hand rested against his heart he could feel it beating against his palm, Phil intertwined his fingers with his.

“Yeah, it really is.” Phil admitted and rested his head on the pillow, Steve squeezed him a little tighter.

“Are you happy?” Phil asked after a few moments though Steve’s breathing had slowed into a steady pace just before he was about to fall asleep.

“Mhmm.” Steve hummed against him nudging his nose into the nape of Phil’s neck breathing in his scent, Phil sighed relieved as Steve nuzzled him like a happy kitten.

“You don’t feel, _violated_?” Phil asked after a few moments and Steve shook his head tiredly.

“No, I feel alive. I feel… _transcendent_.” He said playfully and Phil could feel him smile against his neck, Phil smiled and squeezed the hand in his. He was slowly realizing why Steve liked being held like this so much. He felt safe in the super soldiers embrace and was eternally grateful that Steve had loved him enough to stick around until he could figure this thing out.

“I feel happy too.” Phil said softly and felt like the weight he had been carrying on his shoulders had lifted off of him finally after all these years.

“We should do this again sometime?” Steve asked groggily and Phil could tell he was about to fall asleep.

“Yes, we should.” Steve smiled against his neck again and hummed happily.

“Go to bed, sweetheart. We have an early morning tomorrow.” Steve cooed and Phil promptly did as he was told without one thought to his past, all that mattered now was Steve. Always.

**Author's Note:**

> Hmm... i really don't know what to say for myself. i worked really hard on this one..


End file.
